Infusing Total Love in Heartistic Transformation©
This month I want to focus on one part of the whole coaching protocol that I’ve been calling Heartistic Transformation©. Occasionally I have a client who says “I’ve never experienced the kind of ‘Total Love’ that you are asking me to infuse into every part of my life?”
I think it’s a fair question. I usually describe the ‘Total Love’ part of the workshop like the kind of love a parent experiences toward a child. Most people can understand the term in the context of loving a parent or grandparent or even a romantic relationship that causes a person to care about another human being or even a pet, so fully and so deeply that they would risk their own life and well being if it were necessary to insure the safety of the other. Religious texts describe a god-like countenance of a Supreme Being or a profound level of reverence of followers for their religious leaders and hopefully from the leader to themselves.
Whatever the terms, some people tell me they do not have reference experiences for this universal, or what might be called an unconditional state of loving. Although there are people who are ‘sociopathic’ and don’t experience normal emotions, usually when I receive this feedback, it is from someone who just a bit confused or focused on themselves in a way that produces embarrassment. There tends to be low self esteem and often a pattern of self-loathing. Underlying language like “I’m not good enough” or “I don’t deserve’ or “I’m not worthy” is often just under the surface of behaviors and creates doubt and limitation in the mind of the person in their self-sabotaging situations. There is generally a lot of conflicting and ambiguous self-talk running through their minds. Nevertheless, when asked for a time, a specific time when the individual remembers someone who cared deeply and looked at them through loving eyes, most people can generate a moment in life when someone loved them. Make sure you have a specific moment of the phenomena. Pick a specific reference moment and with a specific person. For our purposes, a generalized thought that there must be several moments will not work well for most NLP processes.
If Anyone Can; You Can
NLP is built upon the foundation of Behavior Modeling. An important concept that operates in Behavior Modeling is that if anyone produces an excellent behavior, like looking at you through loving eyes; the behavior can be modeled. Just because my client doesn’t immediately relate to knowing that they are capable of loving in this way or gets confused trying to decide if they are doing it right, doesn’t mean that you can’t elicit a clear example of someone loving them. It’s an easier concept. They don’t have to know why the other person loves them, they will just know that the other person does or did love them in that moment.
There is a story of a man named Lester who wrote about his experience of being in the hospital at age 31 in New York City for severe ulcers. He reported he had grown up anxious and called himself a ‘Type A Personality.’ He was always busy and/or worrying about things. Lester was basically bedridden for a couple of months as his story goes and not being able use his normal strategies of working harder or worrying more while in his hospital room, so he started to think of ways he could get well and be more the person he wanted to be in life. After all, what he’d been doing wasn’t working so well.
Lester realized that there was a common denominator in all the negative things that had been occupying his waking moments. He began to suspect that maybe he was responsible or at least complicit in these events that had been causing him so much pain. He thought that if he could take full responsibility for what happened, he would finally have some power in the matter. It occurred to him that if he no longer believed that things were happening to him, he could make changes regardless of whether the painful, hurtful event was in the past, present, or something he would be able to deal with differently in the future.
Lester considered that love was the strongest power he knew about. He then thought about his most hurtful life experiences, one at a time and he began to view them in a new way. He looked for how he could be responsible. Then he could heal the situation. Taking if further, Lester began to ask himself what would happen if he could love the event or person until it was no longer hurtful. He focused on the single event with the specific person. When he did it long enough and with enough focused attention, he felt better. Something shifted inside him. But then he thought, what if he could go way beyond that to the kind of state religious leaders talked about; to the state of unconditional, transcendent state of love. If he could do that with his biggest problem situations, what if he could do it with every problem situation he could remember from his entire life. After all, he was stuck in a hospital room and had nothing else to occupy his attention.
For days, Lester focused ‘total love’ on one event after another, until something amazing and profound started to occur. Lester reached an overall state of imperturbable peace and love that generalized to every aspect of his life. Lester developed a level of Self Actualization that became the foundational state he experienced within himself and with others for the rest of his life. Lester practiced this state of loving throughout his life and shared the process with others. People I have met who knew Lester tell me that he influenced their lives in powerful ways.
Infusing Total Love Into Every Life Event
If you think you can access a state of ‘Total Loving’; so that you can infuse it into every life event, then skip the first exercise and go on to the second exercise below. Otherwise do both exercises. If you haven’t already, make a list of people and events that were limiting to you.
Remember you may have to let go of some past baggage to do the exercises. NLP has lots of tools for you to build up or enhance your resource state of ‘Total Love’ and other states. The NLP Forgiveness Process is useful and Hawaiian Huna’s HoOPonoPono process is a very powerful tool for forgiveness and can be helpful in releasing past emotional blocks.
Model of Loving Yourself (Exercise 1)
1. Think of someone in your life who loved you unconditionally, a Model of Loving. (Examples: parent, boy/girl friend, spouse, grandparent, teacher, preacher/pastor/Nun, etc.)
2. Be in 1st Position (Self, from your eyes). Access a specific moment when the person who loved you unconditionally was experiencing that loving assessment of you. Experience the moment as fully as you can.
3. Move to 2nd Position (Other, from their eyes). Float over and into him/her. Be your Model of Loving. Imagine being them in that moment, seeing you.
- Notice what your Model of Loving saw in the moment that triggered that moment of loving you unconditionally.
- Notice what your Model of Loving heard from you or said to him/her self.
- Notice and pay attention to what you as your Model of Loving was feeling about you in that moment.
4. Check in with yourself as you are being your Model of Loving You (2nd Position-Other, from thier eyes) and ask yourself, “What is it about (you) that you are now seeing, hearing, and feeling that causes you to see through your loving eyes, and hear through your loving ears, and feel inside your body that is experiencing ‘Total Love’ for you now, the way you do.
5. Go back to your 1st Position (Self, from your eyes) and while still focusing on your Model of Loving now receive that loving fully. Turn to the Model of Loving You in your mind’s eye and say, “Thank you.”
6. Future Pace. Imagine a specific future moment when you have been living in your ability to love yourself as you now understand it and have experienced it from your Model of Loving You and notice that you can love yourself and others fully. Anchor the state.
Note: Notice that you now have a way of experiencing ‘Total Love,’ remember the state, and do the next exercise.
Infusing Total Love (Exercise 2)
1. Create a stage in your mind’s eye and imagine it right in front of you smaller than life size.
2. Choose a person (see your list of limiting events/people) or choose an event from your past and put it on the stage.
3. Explore the connection or ‘Aka’ chord. Observe the submodalities including location/distance, thickness, flexibility, color, brightness, movement of elements exchanged, sounds, volume, rhythm, texture, moisture, temperature, and consider health, vibrancy, etc. of the chord.
4. Decide whether the chord connection is healthy and vibrant and if not, whether it can be healed. [Optional: sometimes the healthiest thing is to sever a chord, but consider whether forgiveness and infusing ‘total love’ may heal the chord connection before deciding to sever it.]
5. Check for forgiveness. If there is any question about it, do the Forgiveness Chart process and consider ‘Reasons For Not Forgiving.’ Move yourself up the chart. Do the whole Forgiveness Pattern if necessary.
6. Infuse with Unconditional Love until… (Take yourself back to the ‘total love’ state. Pour Unconditional Love into the situation/picture of the person and your connection. Go way past neutral. From the eyes of being a Model of Loving, infuse ‘total love.’ Enhance the state until…)
7. Choose another event or person and go through to process to ‘total love’ with each person/event until your whole life is healed. After 3 or 4 people/events, stop and check in to notice the cumulative effect of ‘infusing Total Love.’ Then go to the next person/event, until you experience knowing that your whole life is healed when you check in.
8. Continue to notice that you can now feel differently in the face of people and events as you have now built the foundation for experiencing life in new and empowering ways. Build your foundational state of ‘Loving You,’ until it is your automatic way of being in the world.
Get Coaching If You Need Help With Heartistic Transformation©
Remember, if you have any difficulty fully implementing this ‘Total Love’ process, and you want to fully experience it, you can call me for an NLP Coaching Agreement that will focus on the process or attend the workshop May 1-3, 2015. Call 602 321-7192.