Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a powerful gift to give to yourself.  

Forgiveness carries with it the power to heal many of the world's ills. Most of us are not taught how to forgive. In fact, much of what we have modeled or emulated in life tends to be examples of hate, anger, and resentment. Holding these negative emotions has direct and harmful effect on the body and the mind.

NLP offers a few specific models that are useful in dealing with anger and resentment.  When an individual comes to fully appreciate the cost of holding anger and resentment toward another person, they then have some choice in the matter of deciding to forgive.

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STAGES OF FORGIVENESS

Psychological literature outlines four (4) steps or stages of forgiveness.  1. Filled with anger. Don't want to forgive.  2. Realize anger does not feel good or is harmful to themselves. 3. Begin to realize there are benefits to forgiving and that the individual has choice about forgiving. 4. Proactively choose to forgive and let go of anger.  Learn they can forgive in advance for specific triggers.

In an NLP Coaching or therapeutic session, it is often the case that an individual will not be able to easily move forward toward the other outcomes they say they want until forgiveness has been achieved.  Self forgiveness is most often a critical step in the process.  There are a few things that should be checked out (ecology) before doing the Forgiveness Pattern offered on this page.  

FORGIVENESS TEST

1. I’m going to get even.
2. I’ll make them pay.
3. I replay the offense in my mind.  I dwell on it.
4. When I think of the person(s), I am angry.
5. I can’t understand where the person(s)they is/are coming from.
6. I can’t see their good points of the person(s).
7. My resentment has not gone away over time.
8. I can’t get any peace about what happened.
9. I keep as much distance between us as possible. 
10. I live as if that person(s) does not exist or never existed.  

QUESTIONS TO DETERMINE...

1. I looked for the source of the problem and could not correct it.

2. I took steps to reconcile.  Wrote, called, or showed concern.

WHO IS FORGIVENESS FOR? 

The first step is to recognize who the forgiveness is for.  Forgiveness does the most for the person forgiving, doesn't it?  Check this out in your own experience.  It is not really for the person you have not forgiven.  People also tend to think that if they forgive someone who betrayed their trust that they will have to let the person back in their life, or "forgive and forget."  Your NLP Coach asserts that you can forgive and that you don't have to forget.  One has little to do with the other.  Otherwise, it would be difficult to set and reinforce your boundaries in the future.  If you think about this, there are probably a lot of creative ways you could set and reinforce your boundaries with the person in question that would not require forgetting, aren't there?   

OTHER OBJECTIONS

The person does not deserve to be forgiven. Remember, forgiveness is not for the other person.  It is for you.

I need to get even first.  Getting even just keeps the negative cycle going and realistically is not likely to give the benefits you think it will.  Getting even just keeps the victim game going.  Aren't your ready to give up being a victim of your negative emotion?

It would mean I condone the behavior.  Forgiveness does not mean you have to agree with the violation, betrayal, or other poor behavior in any way.  This is a little like the "forgive and forget" conversation above.  You can forgive, and yet never forget what happened and none of this means you have to condone the behavior. 

They might do it again to me or to someone else.  Forgiveness is not for them.  When people forgive, they get freed up.  They can then experience strength and confidence.  Having forgiven, when you are experiencing being free, you have more resources available to you in any future situation and you have a better chance at protection others from a place of strength and confidence. 

FORGIVENESS IS A CHOICE

Forgiveness is an internal state and is a matter of choice.  When an individual realizes that they are only hurting themselves by choosing not to forgive, the internal choice to forgive is a shift in feeling inside that is obvious to the person and can usually be observed by others as a physiological shift.  Facial features change.  Eyelids may blink.  Skin color may change.  The body may shake, etc.  These are common physiological signs of change.  Change occurs is an instant and it is observable externally by those trained to notice.  

The shift to unconditional forgiveness can often be achieved simply by truing up to where you are on the chart below and making the conscious choice to forgive.  This requires going inside and checking with yourself to notice the difference.  An internal shift to Unconditional Forgiveness will be detected as specific body reactions.  It is a good idea to be with someone who can coach you at this moment because another person will see the physiological shifts. 

STAGES OF FORGIVENESS

5 - Unconditional Forgiveness: Forgives unconditionally.  Takes a stand for a new future.  Will hold the persona in question to account for the new commitment to the relationship and future behavior. "I forgive you fully and completely.  I am committed to a new possibility for our future relationship.  If I think you are off-course in the future, I will come to you immediately and work it out."

4 - Conditional: Forgive conditionally.  Forgives for now, but has reservations  "I forgive you, but you have to do X. I am watching for breakdowns."

3 - Skeptical: Forgives with skepticism.  Is doubtful about future behavior.  Has a 'wait and see' attitude.  Is on the look-out for transgressions.  Doubts the decision to forgive.  Withholds trust.  "I will forgive you, but I had better not see anything like this happen again.  I'm not sure it ia good decision to trust you."

2 - Begrudging: Forgives only iwth ample evidence of deep remorse.  "You'd better be sorry."

1 - Victimizer: Forgives, but will make you pay and pay and pay.  Not forgiveness at all.  "I'll forgive you, but you have to do something to prove yourself to me.  You owe me."

0 - Vengeful: Does not forgive and the terms of forgiveness are forever.  Self-righteous attitude.  "I can never forgive you.  I'll get you for this.  You'll be sorry." 

If there is any doubt about achieving Unconditional Forgiveness, consider it a sign that there is some objection to forgiving unconditionally.  Give yourself credit and acknowledgement for any shift from one level to a higher level and go back through the reasons not to forgive and find the positive intent of not forgiving, and then negotiate the parts objecting, squash and integrate the parts, or reframe until there is alignment.  In the event that there is still some resistance, go on to the next steps in the process below including both the Preliminary Experiment and then the Forgiveness Pattern. 

PRELIMINARY EXPERIMENT/EXERCISE

Anger and resentment are negative emotions that carry a cost to physical and emotional health. Thoughts about hurt and betrayal can encroach on present business and personal interactions and people tend to be living in the past and predicting the future, based on past events. FYI-These steps are leading up to the actual Forgiveness Pattern and it is a good idea to set the stage.

This exercise assumes you see the value in forgiving as in "forgiving does the most for the one forgiving."

Here is the exercise:

Think of two people; one you (or the person you are facilitating) like very much, and a second person you dislike.  Do an ecology check. You can ask, "Is there any reason that it would not be OK to feel better about the "disliked" person or feel worse about the "liked" person."  Pick someone else if there is some reason it would not be OK.

Assuming there is no reason, now, think of the two people simultaneously.  Notice how you represent these people differently as you continue to think about them simultaneously.  How do you represent these two people?  Elicit the submodalities.  Where are the two represented spatially, up, down, left, right and near or far, etc? Is one image larger or smaller?  Elicit auditory sounds, voices, and conversations including volume, voice tone, etc.?  Elicit kinesthetic or
feeling representations including temperature, pressure, texture, etc.  Notice the submodalities of each.

Try switching the positions of the two.  If that works, good.  Some people can't do this right away.  So, assuming you want to continue in the process, find a way to satisfy the objections.  Find out what the
positive intent and purpose of keeping the anger, shame, resentment, disappointment, embarrassment, or whatever in place.  What does that do for you? You may need to reframe the positive intent as a way to keep you safe, or so they don't do it again, etc.  Ask yourself if, "When you make the change permanent, you will have satisfied your objections in such a way that you feel completely comfortable and safe with the changes."

So, here is the place I get curious about your process regardless of whichever place you find yourself in the exercise.  What is happening for you as you do this exercise?  Do not continue unless you congruently want to forgive and see the positive benefits at this point.

THE FORGIVENESS PATTERN

This pattern is adapted from work by Steve Andreas and it is only one of the ways that Forgiveness can be address in NLP.  Here is the pattern:

1. Access 2 people:
   1. Think of someone you have already forgiven.
   2. Think of someone you are still angry with or resentful of and whom you have not forgiven.
2. Hold both representations simultaneously (at the same time).
3. Notice the submodalities of each and their relationship to one another as in:
   1. Visual – describe where they are in your field of vision (up-down-left-right). Are they near or far, big or small, bright or dim, black and white or color, etc. 
   2. Auditory – describe any sounds as in:  loud or quiet, whiny, scratchy, pauses, cadence, rhythm, etc.
   3. Kinesthetic – Where do you feel it in your body.  Describe the internal feeling or emotion and whether more or less intensity, or pressure, smooth, rough or neutral, warmer or cooler, including any way you might describe them by aromas and tastes as in sweet, sour, delicious, stale, etc.   
4. When you have fully explored the submodalities, transpose or switch the representations.  Move one into the position of the other. 
5. Notice any resistance or objections to switching the two representations.
   1. Negotiate or reframe any objections that come up at this until the switch is acceptable. 
   2. Add resources.  Find new behaviors that would provide at least as good or better benefits than you got from the old behavior that was protecting you or making you feel powerful, getting even, maintaining distance, etc.
   3. Remember to thank the old behavior for protecting you and appreciate what it was trying to do for you fully. 
6. Notice the submodality changes of having the two representations switched.
7. Make the changes permanent. 
   1. Ask yourself, “Is there any problem with making the changes permanent?” 
   2. Check inside yourself and allow yourself to notice the changes in the way you feel toward each person and how the submodalities have changed.

Note: It is possible to forgive the person and still maintain the good feelings or restore the feelings toward the already forgiven person.

3. Anchor the feelings of forgiveness toward the person you have now forgiven.
4. Remind yourself that changing the feelings to forgiveness does not mean that you condone the behavior that you had not forgiven.  And allow yourself to know that you are safe and confident and you have new resources to deal with anything that might happen in the future.  You can say no to any future harm. 
7. Go into the future about a week.  Associate to some moment and specific place in that future and looking back realize in the week that has passed, you have experienced no anger, hurt, etc.  Now, go out farther into the future (one year for example) and check the experience of having forgiven after a longer period of time.  When you are satisfied the changes are in place and allow yourself to feel those feelings, bring those feelings back to the present.
8. Describe your feelings toward the person you have just forgiven. (anchor the changes)

Childhood Abuse & Forgiveness:

When an individual has not forgiven someone, the experience of being hurt and betrayed are at the heart of anger, resentment, etc.  In the case of childhood sexual and violent abuse, repression and denial of the transgression are often the defense mechanisms.  As long as a child does not admit or remember the crime they will survive.  Proceed with the Forgiveness Pattern careful in cases of early childhood abuse.  Make sure your client does not internalize Forgiveness as meaning they are at fault.  It is common in these childhood abuse cases for the individual to believe that is some they caused the abuse that occurred.  In all these circumstances the behavior adopted is designed to protect. If repressed memories are involved, consider getting professional Psychological treatment before continuing with the Forgiveness Pattern.

Bill Thomason

Your NLP Success Coach

and Certified NLP Trainer

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